How to talk to strangers - the mood-boosting power of small interactions

Have you ever noticed that even small interactions significantly impact your wellbeing? Gillian Sandstrom did.

Growing up, Gillian watched her dad talk to absolutely everybody. She found him embarrassing at the time - it would take three times as long to get anything done! But she could tell her dad enjoyed talking to others and that they enjoyed talking to him. Interestingly, being an introvert, it never occurred to Gillian that she could do it too.

When Gillian Sandstrom joined me on my recent podcast, we talked in-depth about these sorts of social connections - from how the pandemic has changed how we interact with others to how this influences productivity, the strength of our connections, and wellbeing.

Gillian is a social psychologist with a Bachelor of Maths and Computer Science and a PhD in Social Psychology. She held a two-year post-doctoral fellowship at Cambridge before joining the Department of Psychology at Essex, where she currently works as a senior lecturer.

Read on for valuable insights on enhancing your community connections, talking to strangers, and making the most out of fleeting interactions!

Can chatting with a stranger really brighten your day?

Gillian describes how, many years later, she began to understand why her dad enjoyed talking to strangers.

 'When I was doing my master's degree in Toronto, the research lab was in one building, and the supervisor's office was in a different building. And when I walked between the two, I would pass a hotdog stand. And somehow, I developed this relationship with the lady who worked there. We didn't ever talk, but every time I walked past, I'd smile and wave at her, and she'd smile and wave at me. On reflection, I realised how much it meant to me. It made me feel anchored and like I belonged on campus.'

Gillian began reflecting on why small interactions like this can make such a big difference to us.

Eventually, Gillian was able to research this further while completing her PhD. In one study, she asked participants to count every time they interacted with others using a counting device, followed by a short survey detailing how they felt during the day. The study counted strong ties, such as close friends and family, separately from weak ties.

 On average, the study conveyed that those who talked to more weak ties every day tended to be happier.

 Secondly, Gillian conducted a study based on people ordering a coffee at the local Starbucks. She tried to convince her participants that the employees probably wanted the customer to be as efficient as possible and avoid unnecessary conversation. When participants returned after ordering their coffee, those who had chatted with the barista were in a better mood than those who hadn't.

 Gillian found that even small interactions can help us feel more connected, which leads to a greater sense of belonging. Even in times of change or unfamiliar places, there is a source of happiness available to us - each other.

So, does this mean you should talk to everyone you see in the park?

Well, not quite.

And that will be quite a relief to any introverts or socially anxious people reading this.

While it's easy to look at the research into small interactions as a 'win-win', Gillian understands that this practice can be difficult and scary for many people, including the person you're potentially going to talk to.

As an introvert herself, Gillian has yet to see any reason why introverts have less to gain from small connections than extroverts. But that said, there are skills you can learn to get more confident first, which we will detail below.

Does technology help us feel more connected?

Technology has made us feel more connected to others… and less connected than ever.

For some of us, technology has vastly improved our social circles. From stigmatised groups struggling in their live environment to disabled or neurodivergent people for whom it's harder to form in-person connections, online support can be a lifeline. Finding like-minded people who understand us is significant; sometimes, online spaces are the easiest way to find them.

And, of course, technology was vastly influential in cases like the pandemic. For those living abroad or working remotely, online conversations can make up the bulk of their 'strong tie' conversations.

On the other hand, face-to-face communication is the most beneficial to our mood. So when technology inhibits the number of face-to-face conversations we have, this will negatively affect our wellbeing.

As an introvert, Gillian notes that she wouldn't have developed the same social skills without taking time to talk to strangers in low-stakes situations. And for those who are socially anxious or too bound to technology, being out of the practice of communicating with weak ties can have various downstream consequences - it might be more challenging to ask for help, ask a question, or find out valuable information.

Technology can help us keep in touch with our strong ties - such as chatting with family and friends who live abroad. But we need to look offline to find the small, everyday interactions that can boost our spirit.

The power of weak ties by the water cooler.

Mark Granovetter coined the term 'weak tie' time back in the 1970s at Stanford. His studies showed that weak ties expose us to a wider variety of information and that we're more likely to find a new job from a weak association than from a strong connection.

Weak ties expose us to a broader network. On a personal level, work environments can lead to multiple small daily interactions. However, on a professional level, recent research found that supervisors judged those with additional weak ties as more creative, which could be more concerning.

With remote work still prevalent, many of us are adapting to working with colleagues we've never met. In fact, since Gillian's husband began a new job in September last year, he's never met a single one of his colleagues.

Those once inconsequential conversations with colleagues - standing by the water cooler, walking to a meeting, or waiting for the kettle to boil - now have taken on new importance. As a result of remote working, we might only meet colleagues within our direct team. And even then, it’s much harder to form strong personal connections with them.

For those working remotely, seeking out 'water cooler' exchanges outside the office is essential.

How to start talking to strangers (even if you're an introvert)

Start small - eye contact and smiles.

If you're already comfortable talking to strangers, try to talk to someone new every day for a week.

But trying to make eye contact with a single person is an equally good place to start.

This isn’t always an easy task since many stare at our phones or feet as we walk around. But when it works, studies show even just eye contact can help us feel less disconnected from our surroundings.

In addition, a nod and a smile can make the interaction feel less awkward - especially when they smile back!

 

Build your confidence with checkout chats.

Building your confidence with non-verbal communication is a great starting point. Over time, you may feel more confident to chat with your neighbour about their dog or skip the automated checkout at the supermarket in favour of practising a time-limited conversation with a Real Human.

Talking to service workers at checkouts is a great place to practise conversation. It's time-limited, so you don't need to worry too much about what to say. Plus, you don't have to worry about rejection as talking back is often part of their training, and they will hopefully also appreciate a friendly chat.

Start with your neighbourhood.

The best places to start interacting with strangers are places where you go anyway.

In his book, 'Atomic Habits,' James Clear writes that if you want to make something a big part of your life, make it a big part of your environment. So if you want to make chatting with strangers a habit, make this habit a natural part of your environment.

Thus, the easiest way to build more connections into your life is to build them into the environment you already live in.

Gillian admits that this could be more challenging in some places than in others. For example, rural areas tend to have a stereotype of being more friendly than urban ones.

The stereotype could stem from people in urban environments leaning towards finding community in smaller spaces within the larger city. For example, Londoners won’t get to work on time if they say 'hi!' to every person they pass on their morning commute - but they might have a large work community or know everyone at the pub on Friday night.

No matter your lifestyle or environment, consider places you already go to every week and how you might talk to strangers there.

Examine your funny, conversational rules

Have you ever noticed that you have funny rules about who you can and can't talk to?

Perhaps you can talk to the bus driver, not the taxi driver. You can speak to a person with a dog or a baby during your weekend stroll, but not someone walking alone.

You may find it easier to talk to others when travelling but wouldn't chat with someone in the same circumstances in your hometown.

Gillians notes these rules tend to be different in different countries. For example, as a Canadian in England, she found people confessing that English people aren't good at talking to each other. However, in her experience, Brits were equally friendly but didn't realise it as it goes against their preconceptions about their society.

We often feel like others are better at talking to strangers or less awkward than we are, but usually, others are just as apprehensive.

These funny rules and preconceptions can hinder us from starting up conversations. Notice if you have any of your own next time you're out in public. Try and see if you can prove yourself wrong!

Follow your curiosities

Recently, Gillian walked passed an allotment as two ladies were leaving.

'And I don't garden, so I was curious… So I approached the ladies and saw that one lady had some gladiola flowers. Those were my grandfather's favourites. So I commented on the flowers. And the next thing I knew, I was walking home with three giant zucchini! It was one of those classic things where the food was growing too fast, and they were happy to give it away. So they gave it away to a complete stranger.'

You can find new connections based on your hobbies or by following curiosities that intrigue you because you want to learn more. Why not approach someone and ask about an activity or topic you know very little about?

People usually love to help and share their expertise. Most people love to chat about topics that fascinate them or bring them joy.

Appreciate the moment for what it was.

After the allotment interaction, Gillian wished she could have sent the ladies a photo of the bake she made with the courgette, but she knew she'd never see that lovely lady again. However, she notes there's something nice about that, too.

There is a strange joy in having a moment with someone and walking away, knowing that it doesn't need to be turned into something 'bigger' for us to appreciate the moment for what it was.

It's okay for even the loveliest interactions to remain as they were - we don't have to exchange emails whenever we share a pleasant encounter.

Learning how to end conversations and walk away

Walking away is more complex than it sounds. Gillian has noticed that ending a conversation can sometimes be more challenging than starting one.

Her colleague Adam Mastroianni studies how people perceive and misperceive their social worlds. His research found that it's very difficult for conversations to end at the exact moment both parties want them to end. In fact, it only happens ideally around 2% of the time.

Gillian is still figuring out how to end conversations. And one of the most common ways people choose to end a conversation is, well, to lie.

'I'm short on time.' 'I'm going to get a drink.' 'I'm heading to the bathroom.' 'My bus leaves in 10 minutes!'

Honestly, these white lies are probably okay. We can't read each other's minds and know the exact moment to move on from a conversation.

The important thing is not to stress yourself out too much about 'why' you're leaving the conversation but concentrate on 'how' you're leaving the conversation. Showing appreciation for the discussion you've just had is the best way to politely move on while leaving both parties feeling optimistic about the exchange.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

Not every interaction will be earth-shattering. Occasionally, you'll get the sense the person is only talking to be polite or that they’re genuinely busy. And that's okay! An occasional awkward silence or boring conversation isn't going to undo the benefits of connecting with others. Just move on with your day.

It's also worth noting that even if the conversation didn't feel significant to you, you never know when you've just made someone's day.

For example, maybe the conversation felt off because the person was socially anxious or having a bad day, and they left the exchange feeling a little better and more connected. On the other hand, maybe they live alone, and you were the only person they'll talk to that day.

Be mindful

Sometimes, talking to others can be an act of kindness.

Gillian's fascination with talking to strangers may have begun with her father, but over time she realised the way her mother talks to strangers is equally essential. While her dad talks to absolutely everybody, she noted that her mom might be more reserved but that she was also mindful of who she talked to.

It seemed that Gillian's mom was aware of who really needed the 'hello' - who would benefit from the connection? Who doesn't usually get acknowledged and maybe doesn't get the same feeling of belonging that others do?

Be brave!

If there's one tip that Gillian notes resonate more than any other, it's this - be brave.

Talking to strangers is probably going to go way better than you think. Studies have shown that most of us underestimate how much people like us. In reality, people like you way more than you think. There's even a name for it - 'The Liking Gap'!

These small interactions benefit us, benefit those around us, and best of all, this surprising source of happiness is always available to us.

So, why not give it a try?

Further Reading:

The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World by Joe Keohane

Gillian Sandstrom's www.gilliansandstrom.com and twitter @gilliansocial